My story

 My name is Mallory. I am 17 years old and I have been in recovery for 4 years. Ever since I was a little girl I have suffered from a bad body image. At three years old I remember being in dance class thinking I was the biggest kid. People at school would make fun of me and call me names. I felt so unloved, so unwanted. I was never someone who talked about her emotions; I was too embarrassed. I used food as a comfort and would eat my feelings away. I was too embarrassed to eat in front of people so I would go the whole day without eating and I felt this sense of happiness and strength. I would come home from school to a lonely house and I would binge on any comfort food I could find. I never had to deal with my emotions. I felt nothing at all. From bingeing I gained weight, and I eventually learned what bulimia was. For the next 8 years I secretly was bingeing, purging and starving myself. Nobody would've guessed that I had such a life-threatening problem. When I turned 14, I wanted to make a change. I thought if I was skinny my world would be better; people would love me, I would make good friends, I would get into the college I want, and live out my dreams. I would be perfect. I started exercising and eating minimal calories. I would weigh myself many times a day. My eating disorder kept on pushing and pushing me to my limits. Nothing was ever good enough. When I reached my lowest weight, I was just merely existing and I needed help. I was passing out on a daily basis, I couldn't get out of bed anymore, I couldn't focus, and I spent many scary nights in the hospital. It came to a point where I almost lost my life. I went to a hospital for treatment where I was diagnosed with Anorexia and Bulimia. At first I wasn't on board with the whole recovery idea and gaining weight, and actually feeling my emotions for the first time, but after learning about recovery and being open minded and trying it, I found peace. I am a healthy person to date, I feel my emotions now: the sadness, the anger, and the joy. Sometimes I honestly didn't think I would get through the pain, I felt like it was going to kill me, but it didn't. I got through it. I survived. I am so lucky that I have a chance to live out my dreams and be a friend. My body didn't deserve what I put it through, but it didn't give up on me. I have learned healthy ways to deal with my emotions and realized PERFECT doesn't exist! You can't be who you want to be if you can't get out of bed. I am learning to make friends with the mirror and I am making friends with food for the first time. Being able to laugh and hang out with friends and just breathe was worth every moment of pain. In life things are never easy, but they are always worth it in the end. Don't give up because just like me, you deserve freedom and life. KEEP ON even when things get tough; I promise they always get better! I am living proof.

16 comments

  • Stacy C.

    Stacy C.

    Mallory, what an amazing journey you've been on. You're a survivor! Every time I feel like I can't get out of bed in the morning, I will try to think of your story and how you've accomplished so much at such a young age. Thank you!

    Mallory, what an amazing journey you've been on. You're a survivor! Every time I feel like I can't get out of bed in the morning, I will try to think of your story and how you've accomplished so much at such a young age. Thank you!

  • Sara

    Sara

    I was always a little off as a kid, but when I was twelve my obsessive compulsive dissorder started to become a real problem. With this came more anxiety and depression. I would miss school a lot in 7th and 8th grade because I was so anxious about school and myself, and everything. I started seeing a therapist when I was 13 and had a bad ecounter with a cop which made everything worse. I wrote one of my first songs a around this age called "Thoughts Lead To Action" and I continued to write through high school. I was hospitalized for my problems a few times my freshman year and attended two alternative schools (smaller schools for kids who need more support, supervision, therapy, etc) I found my place at New Hope Academy in January of my freshman year and it changed my life forever. I worked hard with my therapists and I sought contentment through making action videos and comedy vidoes on youtube. I also have posted some of my orginal songs on my youtube channel. I act, and I sing and write songs and this is my reason to live. I love to perform. I love making people feel something, making people laugh, showing the world what I am and everyone else is capable of doing. My junior year I began transitioning back to my home school and as a senior I continue to transition with success. Movies, music, creativity, performing, my family, my friends, and most importantly, a new kind of hope is all my "Something to Live For" Thanks Mal!

    I was always a little off as a kid, but when I was twelve my obsessive compulsive dissorder started to become a real problem. With this came more anxiety and depression. I would miss school a lot in 7th and 8th grade because I was so anxious about school and myself, and everything. I started seeing a therapist when I was 13 and had a bad ecounter with a cop which made everything worse. I wrote one of my first songs a around this age called "Thoughts Lead To Action" and I continued to write through high school. I was hospitalized for my problems a few times my freshman year and attended two alternative schools (smaller schools for kids who need more support, supervision, therapy, etc) I found my place at New Hope Academy in January of my freshman year and it changed my life forever. I worked hard with my therapists and I sought contentment through making action videos and comedy vidoes on youtube. I also have posted some of my orginal songs on my youtube channel. I act, and I sing and write songs and this is my reason to live. I love to perform. I love making people feel something, making people laugh, showing the world what I am and everyone else is capable of doing. My junior year I began transitioning back to my home school and as a senior I continue to transition with success. Movies, music, creativity, performing, my family, my friends, and most importantly, a new kind of hope is all my "Something to Live For" Thanks Mal!

  • Julie

    Julie

    I have been battling clinical depression and anxiety since grade school. I had tried to kill myself many, many times but finally at the beginning in the of my freshman year of highschool while I was also anorexic, I decided to speak out and get myself help. I was hospitalized twice that year and since then, I have been doing much better. Of course I still have bad days and get depressed or anxious, but I know how to handle it now and I always remind myself that there are better days ahead. Mallory, what you are doing is truly amazing and I enjoy every second I get to spend with you! I know you have an awesome future ahead of you. Thank you for everything

    I have been battling clinical depression and anxiety since grade school. I had tried to kill myself many, many times but finally at the beginning in the of my freshman year of highschool while I was also anorexic, I decided to speak out and get myself help. I was hospitalized twice that year and since then, I have been doing much better. Of course I still have bad days and get depressed or anxious, but I know how to handle it now and I always remind myself that there are better days ahead.
    Mallory, what you are doing is truly amazing and I enjoy every second I get to spend with you! I know you have an awesome future ahead of you. Thank you for everything

  • M

    M

    I have been suffering from depression since 5th grade. I remember telling my mom when I was 12 that I wanted to kill myself. In 7th grade I had multiple and obviously unsuccessful attempts at suicide. Freshman year I overdosed on pills and was rushed to the hospital once my parents found me. I spent 2 and a half weeks recovering from my OD and dealing with my issues. After treatment I was on the right track and seemed to be in a better place. I lost one of my best friends to suicide last year and I fell deep back into my depression. Throughout my depression i have completely lost faith in the christian religion and thats affected a lot of relationships in my life. Even though a lot has change in the past 4 years, Ive grown so much from where i was. My depression used to define me but I no longer let it. BE STRONG AND KEEP ON!

    I have been suffering from depression since 5th grade. I remember telling my mom when I was 12 that I wanted to kill myself. In 7th grade I had multiple and obviously unsuccessful attempts at suicide. Freshman year I overdosed on pills and was rushed to the hospital once my parents found me. I spent 2 and a half weeks recovering from my OD and dealing with my issues. After treatment I was on the right track and seemed to be in a better place. I lost one of my best friends to suicide last year and I fell deep back into my depression. Throughout my depression i have completely lost faith in the christian religion and thats affected a lot of relationships in my life. Even though a lot has change in the past 4 years, Ive grown so much from where i was. My depression used to define me but I no longer let it. BE STRONG AND KEEP ON!

  • Taylor

    Taylor

    I was always happy with my weight my whole life and yeah i was under weight and smaller for my size in grade school and as i started getting depressed in 6th grade i started over eating but of course in 6th grade i had No idea what an eating disorder was so as the time passed i started to gain alot of weight from the over eating all the time and 7th-8th grade i changed that i was more depressed than ever and i started starving myself but that was never good enough i barley ate i always counted what i was eating and my former classmates would make fun of my weight being so up and down and thats when i found Bulimia and i started throwing up and i grew up wishing i was skinny because thats what i grew up looking at on the cover of magazines and 7 trips to the hospital and 1 trip to rehab i still suffer from body image and bulimia and i watch what i eat but i still purge every now and than not too often but i still have hope that theres recovery. KEEP ON

    I was always happy with my weight my whole life and yeah i was under weight and smaller for my size in grade school and as i started getting depressed in 6th grade i started over eating but of course in 6th grade i had No idea what an eating disorder was so as the time passed i started to gain alot of weight from the over eating all the time and 7th-8th grade i changed that i was more depressed than ever and i started starving myself but that was never good enough i barley ate i always counted what i was eating and my former classmates would make fun of my weight being so up and down and thats when i found Bulimia and i started throwing up and i grew up wishing i was skinny because thats what i grew up looking at on the cover of magazines and 7 trips to the hospital and 1 trip to rehab i still suffer from body image and bulimia and i watch what i eat but i still purge every now and than not too often but i still have hope that theres recovery. KEEP ON

  • Mia Kahlon

    Mia Kahlon

    Kindergarten through 5th grade I was bullied, it scared me for life. It made me do things that today I wish I never did. I cut, I have an eating disorder, I'm diagnosed with major depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. I have thought about suicide many times, I even attempted a couple of times. I have been hospitalized a lot in fact I spent my whole summer at the hospital. To be honest at this moment, I feel like crap. I don't think I'm where I want to be yet. Maybe it will take years. I've been in recovery for the past 3 years and i'm only 15 years old. I have a lot to live for yet I can't find the strength to move on. I may be falling back into my old habits at this point in time. But I want you guys to know that I'm not giving up just yet. I was born for a reason and I want to live to find that reason. Just because things aren't better for me, doesn't mean they won't be for you. I know you guys can make it and one day I hope to be as strong as all of you.

    Kindergarten through 5th grade I was bullied, it scared me for life. It made me do things that today I wish I never did. I cut, I have an eating disorder, I'm diagnosed with major depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. I have thought about suicide many times, I even attempted a couple of times. I have been hospitalized a lot in fact I spent my whole summer at the hospital. To be honest at this moment, I feel like crap. I don't think I'm where I want to be yet. Maybe it will take years. I've been in recovery for the past 3 years and i'm only 15 years old. I have a lot to live for yet I can't find the strength to move on. I may be falling back into my old habits at this point in time. But I want you guys to know that I'm not giving up just yet. I was born for a reason and I want to live to find that reason. Just because things aren't better for me, doesn't mean they won't be for you. I know you guys can make it and one day I hope to be as strong as all of you.

  • Darcy

    Darcy

    I have been overweight my entire life and always went to food for comfort with any emotion I felt. I decided I was going to take responsibility for my health. The summer before my junior year of college I began to make changes in the way I ate. I began losing weight and loved it. I began working out for my health and to help keep the weight off. I returned to school and started working out every single day and started restricting what I was eating. Since I was losing weight I made a goal of a certain number I wanted to get to. I reached that number and was satisfied. However, after I reached that number I did not change the behaviors I had during my weight loss and because of that I continued to lose more weight. School became very stressful for me and I turned all of my focus to school and hardly ate and continued working out every single day. This continued on throughout my junior year. I was physically and mentally exhausted, but I could not stop these behaviors, they were what I was no familiar with. My weight got to a very low number, but I was numbed to it. I was not going to change what I was doing because to me it worked. A few weeks before I was about to finish my final year in college, I got very sick and ended up in the hospital. I still did not see that anything was wrong with me, but after leaving the hospital something clicked and I knew something was not right with what I was doing. There was no way that I could continue living this way and this way very difficult for me to realize. I got the help I needed. I have been in recovery for about 4 months now and it has not been easy. Everyday has been a battle for me, but I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that these are just thoughts inside my head that come and go like passing cars. I can choose to let them have no control over what I do in my life. These thoughts will always be in my mind, but I am learning how to be okay with that and realize that I can choose to not let them hold me back from my values. I am working on learning how to balance my meals to feel satisfied with food instead of having a love/hate relationship with it. Now, I look at the beauty that life offers. Every day I see more little things that I am thankful for. I have finally realized that when I was at such a low weight it did not make me happy like I thought it would. Instead, it made me miserable and life no longer had a meaning to me. Why would I want to be skinny and feel tired all the time? It was all that I cared about. I did not even want anything to do with my friends and family. I still have a long way to go, but each day I know I am getting a little bit stronger. This is not an easy process, but I can tell you that it will be worth it. These struggles are just proof that we are human beings. You will get through this, I believe in you!

    I have been overweight my entire life and always went to food for comfort with any emotion I felt. I decided I was going to take responsibility for my health. The summer before my junior year of college I began to make changes in the way I ate. I began losing weight and loved it. I began working out for my health and to help keep the weight off. I returned to school and started working out every single day and started restricting what I was eating. Since I was losing weight I made a goal of a certain number I wanted to get to. I reached that number and was satisfied. However, after I reached that number I did not change the behaviors I had during my weight loss and because of that I continued to lose more weight. School became very stressful for me and I turned all of my focus to school and hardly ate and continued working out every single day. This continued on throughout my junior year. I was physically and mentally exhausted, but I could not stop these behaviors, they were what I was no familiar with. My weight got to a very low number, but I was numbed to it. I was not going to change what I was doing because to me it worked. A few weeks before I was about to finish my final year in college, I got very sick and ended up in the hospital. I still did not see that anything was wrong with me, but after leaving the hospital something clicked and I knew something was not right with what I was doing. There was no way that I could continue living this way and this way very difficult for me to realize. I got the help I needed.
    I have been in recovery for about 4 months now and it has not been easy. Everyday has been a battle for me, but I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that these are just thoughts inside my head that come and go like passing cars. I can choose to let them have no control over what I do in my life. These thoughts will always be in my mind, but I am learning how to be okay with that and realize that I can choose to not let them hold me back from my values. I am working on learning how to balance my meals to feel satisfied with food instead of having a love/hate relationship with it. Now, I look at the beauty that life offers. Every day I see more little things that I am thankful for. I have finally realized that when I was at such a low weight it did not make me happy like I thought it would. Instead, it made me miserable and life no longer had a meaning to me. Why would I want to be skinny and feel tired all the time? It was all that I cared about. I did not even want anything to do with my friends and family. I still have a long way to go, but each day I know I am getting a little bit stronger. This is not an easy process, but I can tell you that it will be worth it. These struggles are just proof that we are human beings. You will get through this, I believe in you!

  • Tori

    Tori

    My story starts off with a young girl in elementary school. She was sexually abused for two years by her best friend's stepfather. Not knowing how to deal with this or how to talk about it, she fell into the dangers of a life-threatening eating disorder. It all started in a bathroom. Every time this man would leave after doing horrible things to her, she would feel sick. That sickness where your stomach feels twisted and it seems like all of your organs are out of place. But somehow, she wasn't actually sick. So she found a way to make herself sick, becoming friends with an eating disorder. There were times when she wouldn't eat, thinking "if this is what's happening to me now, how much worse will it get when I grow into a woman?" And then there were times when she would binge eat, thinking that if she was bigger, she could defend herself. Eventually her life got out of control and years later, during her high school years, she ended up being hospitalized for self-injury and an eating disorder. The nurses in the ER were amazed that she was even still alive. She was diagnosed with a number of things including Anorexia and Bulimia, depression, OCD, anxiety, and major PTSD. That girl was me. This next month will mark one year of my hospital admission. Today I am strong and healthy. I can't say I'm one-hundred percent better, but I haven't purged since march and I haven't restricted in months. The self-injury stopped after I got into treatment; the last time was the day before I went in-patient. Life is a lot better now that I've recovered. There's so much more to life than the pain you're going through and no matter what has happened or what is happening, there is always hope and there will always be help.

    My story starts off with a young girl in elementary school. She was sexually abused for two years by her best friend's stepfather. Not knowing how to deal with this or how to talk about it, she fell into the dangers of a life-threatening eating disorder. It all started in a bathroom. Every time this man would leave after doing horrible things to her, she would feel sick. That sickness where your stomach feels twisted and it seems like all of your organs are out of place. But somehow, she wasn't actually sick. So she found a way to make herself sick, becoming friends with an eating disorder. There were times when she wouldn't eat, thinking "if this is what's happening to me now, how much worse will it get when I grow into a woman?" And then there were times when she would binge eat, thinking that if she was bigger, she could defend herself. Eventually her life got out of control and years later, during her high school years, she ended up being hospitalized for self-injury and an eating disorder. The nurses in the ER were amazed that she was even still alive. She was diagnosed with a number of things including Anorexia and Bulimia, depression, OCD, anxiety, and major PTSD. That girl was me. This next month will mark one year of my hospital admission. Today I am strong and healthy. I can't say I'm one-hundred percent better, but I haven't purged since march and I haven't restricted in months. The self-injury stopped after I got into treatment; the last time was the day before I went in-patient. Life is a lot better now that I've recovered. There's so much more to life than the pain you're going through and no matter what has happened or what is happening, there is always hope and there will always be help.

  • Jiana maestro

    Jiana maestro

    Hello beautiful u have asked me many times to leave my story of recovery and I've been thinking about how I would start it... Growing up I was unbearably teased about my size, height, weight. Etc, teased by my brothers classmates and the mirror. I can remember moving to Arlington heights after my parents divorced and walking into the 4th grade class and immediately noticing how different I looked compared to the other girls. By that time I was wearing a bra when the other girls didn't even begin to need one. By 6th grade my self esteem was little to none. I was fighting with my mom all the time and I had actually begin to cut. I would get teased and talked about. I would begin to limit the food I ate and eventually skip breakfast and lunch all together. In 8th grade I met a girl who I became very close with. I didn't really have any friends to begin with so this was all new to me. She knew tht I hate myself and body and she noticed my disrupted eating patterns... She mention bulimia.. I was scared at first but then I tried it.. I immediately got hooked I lost weight and went into freshman year with friends and a spot on the volleyball team... Guys started noticing me.. I started drinking and partying and my bulimia heightened. By the beginning of my sophomore year I had gotten so deep into my eating disorder it had full control over me. I was self injuring an skin picking me and my mom constantly fought I rarely saw my dad and I was reaching out to guys for attention. Winter break sophomore year I was so sick, my body was so destroyed.. One night I basically have up and tried to comitt suicide by consuming more alcohol than my body could take, rushed to the ER by ambulance I spent the night in the ER and was admitted to Alexian brothers behavioral health hospital... Since then I have repeatedly struggled with anorexia bulimia self injury depression and severe anxiety I'm on Zoloft, and have been in the hospital 2 more times... once Last spring, and once late September. Going through recovery is a never ending process. You are going to have slip ups and relapses. But never give up. Because giving up is too easy, just know your never alone and life will go on. Everyone is beautiful and has their own beauty. Embrace every minute of life. Because u never know how short it may be. I wish everyone the best and I hope to hear great things. If anyone has questions or comments don't hesitate to find me on Facebook. Best of luck.

    Hello beautiful u have asked me many times to leave my story of recovery and I've been thinking about how I would start it... Growing up I was unbearably teased about my size, height, weight. Etc, teased by my brothers classmates and the mirror. I can remember moving to Arlington heights after my parents divorced and walking into the 4th grade class and immediately noticing how different I looked compared to the other girls. By that time I was wearing a bra when the other girls didn't even begin to need one. By 6th grade my self esteem was little to none. I was fighting with my mom all the time and I had actually begin to cut. I would get teased and talked about. I would begin to limit the food I ate and eventually skip breakfast and lunch all together. In 8th grade I met a girl who I became very close with. I didn't really have any friends to begin with so this was all new to me. She knew tht I hate myself and body and she noticed my disrupted eating patterns... She mention bulimia.. I was scared at first but then I tried it.. I immediately got hooked I lost weight and went into freshman year with friends and a spot on the volleyball team... Guys started noticing me.. I started drinking and partying and my bulimia heightened. By the beginning of my sophomore year I had gotten so deep into my eating disorder it had full control over me. I was self injuring an skin picking me and my mom constantly fought I rarely saw my dad and I was reaching out to guys for attention. Winter break sophomore year I was so sick, my body was so destroyed.. One night I basically have up and tried to comitt suicide by consuming more alcohol than my body could take, rushed to the ER by ambulance I spent the night in the ER and was admitted to Alexian brothers behavioral health hospital... Since then I have repeatedly struggled with anorexia bulimia self injury depression and severe anxiety I'm on Zoloft, and have been in the hospital 2 more times... once Last spring, and once late September. Going through recovery is a never ending process. You are going to have slip ups and relapses. But never give up. Because giving up is too easy, just know your never alone and life will go on. Everyone is beautiful and has their own beauty. Embrace every minute of life. Because u never know how short it may be. I wish everyone the best and I hope to hear great things. If anyone has questions or comments don't hesitate to find me on Facebook. Best of luck.

  • Gianna

    Gianna

    FREE I woke up and looked in the mirror today And Tried to find something nice to say But I could not and it really hurt So I had to go and find a new shirt Everything just looked so wrong So I had to cover up and just stay strong I don’t know why I hate my body I really can’t explain to anybody Nobody knows how I really feel I put on a fake face and pretend to be real As the day moves on I think hey I’m me! No one can take that away can’t you see? So I wake up in the morning and say hi to myself I love you; you look great in that shirt off the shelf I go to school feeling confident and happy Even though I’m wearing something scrappy But hey guess what? Now I’m being ME! Now I am honestly, truly free

    FREE
    I woke up and looked in the mirror today
    And
    Tried to find something nice to say

    But I could not and it really hurt
    So I had to go and find a new shirt

    Everything just looked so wrong
    So I had to cover up and just stay strong

    I don’t know why I hate my body
    I really can’t explain to anybody

    Nobody knows how I really feel
    I put on a fake face and pretend to be real

    As the day moves on I think hey I’m me!
    No one can take that away can’t you see?

    So I wake up in the morning and say hi to myself
    I love you; you look great in that shirt off the shelf

    I go to school feeling confident and happy
    Even though I’m wearing something scrappy

    But hey guess what? Now I’m being ME!
    Now I am honestly, truly free

  • M

    M

    Ever since i was little, i have always struggled. i was bullied and teased so much about my weight and my look and about the stupidest little things. the bullying got so bad that in the first grade, every day i wud b in the nurses office and my dad wud hav to pick me up early. when my mom dropped me off at school, she wud spend 30 min trying to convince me to stay. but, as soon as she left, i ran after her. it got so bad, that i had to switch schools. and then switch schools again. i was always the subject in bullying. i was never a big kid, until one summer i didnt go to any camps or do any activities and i put on some weight then. and till now, senior year in high school, i am still trying to lose it. i blacked out those years in my memory. i never think about it, because then it wud b as if all that pain never existed. all of this had made me so self-conscious, anxious, stress, and just not myself. being bullied so much just made my life a living hell, and as hard as i try, i still cant forget the words that they said or the names that they called me. countless times had i thought about suicide, and just ending it all. several times have i actually tried, either taking pills or by holding a knife up to stomach or my neck, with that little voice in my head telling me to press harder. from all the stress, i started picking off my skin on my fingers, particularly my thumbs. i wud pick them until they bled and eventually grew numb. its a way to help me deal with the pain that they were causing to my heart. 5 years ago, my grandmother died, and that turned my world upside down. i cannot begin to describe how much she meant to me, or how depressed i got. she was the one who knew me the most, that loved me even when i sinned, and was always there for me and took care of me. no one understood me like she did. words cant even describe her and what she meant to me. when she died, i lost my way further. i stopped eating and the ate so much. i started drinking. its as if a part of me was gone, and i never even got to say my goodbye. this, the teasing, stress from school, homework, friends, boys, and the pressure to be beautiful and skinny to fit into society began to rule over me. i always wanted to be the skinny, beautiful girl that i just simply was not. so i thought, wow wouldnt it just be easier to end it all now. but, then i told myself that if i did this, i wud let all the ppl that teased me, told me i wasnt good enough and made me believe it, doubted me, i wud let them all win. and i wud not be able to fall in love, which is what i hav been waiting for since i saw my first princess movie. i wudnt be able to have a family, my own life, kids, or jst hav another chance. i didnt want to feel the pain anymore, or to hear the deafening voices in my head reminding me of all the bad things in my life. but, y shud i give up? i kno i am a strong person, because i am still here. i am still trying to rewire my brain into thinking that its ok to be weak sometimes, and that crying is not a sign of weakness. i believe that i am still here for a reason, and that God is watching out for me and that He has something planned for me that would def be worth it all, the pain, the tears, the heart break. so im here to tell u that no matter what, u can get through it, that you ARE beautiful no matter what anyone else tells u, and that there is a whole life ahead of you. never give up, never back down. y let the other ppl win? u r worth everything, and so is your life. jst keep on. find something to live for. i did. i found myself and hopefully in the near future i will find love. life is beautiful, and without the hardships we wud never become the strong and amazing ppl that we are today, and we wud never cherish what we hav. so just stay strong, u can do it.

    Ever since i was little, i have always struggled. i was bullied and teased so much about my weight and my look and about the stupidest little things. the bullying got so bad that in the first grade, every day i wud b in the nurses office and my dad wud hav to pick me up early. when my mom dropped me off at school, she wud spend 30 min trying to convince me to stay. but, as soon as she left, i ran after her. it got so bad, that i had to switch schools. and then switch schools again. i was always the subject in bullying. i was never a big kid, until one summer i didnt go to any camps or do any activities and i put on some weight then. and till now, senior year in high school, i am still trying to lose it. i blacked out those years in my memory. i never think about it, because then it wud b as if all that pain never existed. all of this had made me so self-conscious, anxious, stress, and just not myself. being bullied so much just made my life a living hell, and as hard as i try, i still cant forget the words that they said or the names that they called me. countless times had i thought about suicide, and just ending it all. several times have i actually tried, either taking pills or by holding a knife up to stomach or my neck, with that little voice in my head telling me to press harder. from all the stress, i started picking off my skin on my fingers, particularly my thumbs. i wud pick them until they bled and eventually grew numb. its a way to help me deal with the pain that they were causing to my heart. 5 years ago, my grandmother died, and that turned my world upside down. i cannot begin to describe how much she meant to me, or how depressed i got. she was the one who knew me the most, that loved me even when i sinned, and was always there for me and took care of me. no one understood me like she did. words cant even describe her and what she meant to me. when she died, i lost my way further. i stopped eating and the ate so much. i started drinking. its as if a part of me was gone, and i never even got to say my goodbye. this, the teasing, stress from school, homework, friends, boys, and the pressure to be beautiful and skinny to fit into society began to rule over me. i always wanted to be the skinny, beautiful girl that i just simply was not. so i thought, wow wouldnt it just be easier to end it all now. but, then i told myself that if i did this, i wud let all the ppl that teased me, told me i wasnt good enough and made me believe it, doubted me, i wud let them all win. and i wud not be able to fall in love, which is what i hav been waiting for since i saw my first princess movie. i wudnt be able to have a family, my own life, kids, or jst hav another chance. i didnt want to feel the pain anymore, or to hear the deafening voices in my head reminding me of all the bad things in my life. but, y shud i give up? i kno i am a strong person, because i am still here. i am still trying to rewire my brain into thinking that its ok to be weak sometimes, and that crying is not a sign of weakness. i believe that i am still here for a reason, and that God is watching out for me and that He has something planned for me that would def be worth it all, the pain, the tears, the heart break. so im here to tell u that no matter what, u can get through it, that you ARE beautiful no matter what anyone else tells u, and that there is a whole life ahead of you. never give up, never back down. y let the other ppl win? u r worth everything, and so is your life. jst keep on. find something to live for. i did. i found myself and hopefully in the near future i will find love. life is beautiful, and without the hardships we wud never become the strong and amazing ppl that we are today, and we wud never cherish what we hav. so just stay strong, u can do it.

  • Kate

    Kate

    I've been on and off battling an eating disorder for the past 14 years, ever since I was 6 years old. I often remember as a kid being handed a piece of fun-sized candy, taking a small bite out of it, and wrapping the rest up for later. I was constantly being teased which lead to me criticizing myself in the mirror- in FIRST GRADE. As I grew older, things only progressed. After I was in a sexually abusive relationship for 8 months my eating disorder was full blown. For years I was in denial and hid this. Last February, shortly after I'd turned 19 was my first real step towards recovery. Today I am by no means "fixed" but I am getting better one day at a time. I have surrounded myself with only the best people, ones who are caring and loving and here to help support me on my road to being healthy. No matter how hard things get, there is always tomorrow, always a better day ahead. You just have to keep on, hang in there, and never ever give up!

    I've been on and off battling an eating disorder for the past 14 years, ever since I was 6 years old. I often remember as a kid being handed a piece of fun-sized candy, taking a small bite out of it, and wrapping the rest up for later. I was constantly being teased which lead to me criticizing myself in the mirror- in FIRST GRADE. As I grew older, things only progressed. After I was in a sexually abusive relationship for 8 months my eating disorder was full blown. For years I was in denial and hid this. Last February, shortly after I'd turned 19 was my first real step towards recovery. Today I am by no means "fixed" but I am getting better one day at a time. I have surrounded myself with only the best people, ones who are caring and loving and here to help support me on my road to being healthy. No matter how hard things get, there is always tomorrow, always a better day ahead. You just have to keep on, hang in there, and never ever give up!

  • Sarah

    Sarah

    Hi my love. You asked me to share my story so here it goes! I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety in the 4th grade. It was a constant struggle to keep my grades up and stay social my whole life. I was known as a "popular" but I didnt feel as though I fit in with my friends. I had a lot of trouble with that for a while. Then, when I was exposed to marijuana in the 8th grade, I decided it wouldn't be the end of the world if i tried it just once. Little did I know what I was getting myself into... I only did it every now and then at first and after a while that turned into a few times a month which then turned into on weekends which finally turned into everyday, but im getting ahead of myself. During the time when it was every so often, i was also drinking periodically and experimenting with guys. Everything that I was doing quickly got spread around my school and even to some other jr. high schools until I couldnt take the bullying anymore and had to start therapy again. The summer going into freshman year I got worse and during my freshman year in the beginning nobody wanted to be friends with me because I was known as a pot head or a slut or bad news. This really affected me and later is what I think brought on my severe social anxiety. After being in an almost 1 year relationship at the end of my freshman year, I got really bad. Beginning of sophomore year is when our relationship finally ended and that really took a toll on me. It was an unhealthy codependent relationship for me and he moved on while I sat in a deep depression for almost another year. During this year I was having sex with random guys, smoking everyday to numb the pain and I was getting so wasted that I would black out on the weekends. Finally in January 2012 I asked to be admitted to rehab. I was in outpatient rehab for about 4 months. The battle didnt end there. I decided to relapse on marijuana and pills and blacked out for 4 days. Thats when I realized this wouldnt be easy to stay sober. I met mallory sometime in the middle of my Junior year of high school. We were in science class and we knew eachother but never really talked. I saw her come in to class one day crying and I immediately felt for her. When she told me that she struggled with an eating disorder, we immediately clicked because I was able to tell her that I struggle with addiction. The things we do to relieve our pain might be different, but the pain is the exact same. Mallory is one of the most inspirational, strong headed women that i have ever met and i am honored to know her. Even when she is battling her own illness she does not hesitate to stop and help someone else with theirs. I love you mal and I want you to know that even tho I relapsed again, I always remember what you told me the day we first talked: A slip doesnt have to be a slide. I have 30 days clean tomorrow, and part of my success goes to you. Love you so much and Im so grateful to have you in my life.

    Hi my love. You asked me to share my story so here it goes!
    I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety in the 4th grade. It was a constant struggle to keep my grades up and stay social my whole life. I was known as a "popular" but I didnt feel as though I fit in with my friends. I had a lot of trouble with that for a while. Then, when I was exposed to marijuana in the 8th grade, I decided it wouldn't be the end of the world if i tried it just once. Little did I know what I was getting myself into... I only did it every now and then at first and after a while that turned into a few times a month which then turned into on weekends which finally turned into everyday, but im getting ahead of myself. During the time when it was every so often, i was also drinking periodically and experimenting with guys. Everything that I was doing quickly got spread around my school and even to some other jr. high schools until I couldnt take the bullying anymore and had to start therapy again. The summer going into freshman year I got worse and during my freshman year in the beginning nobody wanted to be friends with me because I was known as a pot head or a slut or bad news. This really affected me and later is what I think brought on my severe social anxiety. After being in an almost 1 year relationship at the end of my freshman year, I got really bad. Beginning of sophomore year is when our relationship finally ended and that really took a toll on me. It was an unhealthy codependent relationship for me and he moved on while I sat in a deep depression for almost another year. During this year I was having sex with random guys, smoking everyday to numb the pain and I was getting so wasted that I would black out on the weekends. Finally in January 2012 I asked to be admitted to rehab. I was in outpatient rehab for about 4 months. The battle didnt end there. I decided to relapse on marijuana and pills and blacked out for 4 days. Thats when I realized this wouldnt be easy to stay sober. I met mallory sometime in the middle of my Junior year of high school. We were in science class and we knew eachother but never really talked. I saw her come in to class one day crying and I immediately felt for her. When she told me that she struggled with an eating disorder, we immediately clicked because I was able to tell her that I struggle with addiction. The things we do to relieve our pain might be different, but the pain is the exact same. Mallory is one of the most inspirational, strong headed women that i have ever met and i am honored to know her. Even when she is battling her own illness she does not hesitate to stop and help someone else with theirs. I love you mal and I want you to know that even tho I relapsed again, I always remember what you told me the day we first talked: A slip doesnt have to be a slide. I have 30 days clean tomorrow, and part of my success goes to you. Love you so much and Im so grateful to have you in my life.

  • Kaitlin

    Kaitlin

    A lot is blurry and missing from my memories before the age of 12 because I blocked much of it out. I grew up in a dysfunctional, chaotic family and didn't have a voice. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I was molested many times at a very young age, which absolutely contributed to my self hatred which manifested itself into an eating disorder when I was 9. I started off bulimic but in my freshman year of high school I became enveloped in a crushing mass of anorexic tendencies-- starving myself everyday, constant diet pills and laxative abuse, over exercising. I had terrible anxiety. I've had an eating disorder for 11 years and have struggled with self injury for 3 1/2. My eating disorder behaviors and self injury were completely hidden. I was getting sicker and sicker, so there were people who noticed the drastic weight loss and were concerned. But when people showed concern, the more I isolated myself and resolved to hide my addiction better. My only friend who knew about my eating disorder (because she had one herself) told a school counselor about me and because of that, I was put in a hospital treatment for a couple months. After I got discharged, I went to support groups, had a therapist, worked towards following my meal plan and only exercised in moderation. I gained weight and felt healthier, with a good amount of slips in my new recovery. Within 6 months of being discharged, I was back in the hospital, but this time I was in inpatient, the highest form of care possible where they put people when their health and safety are at risk. I was in the self-injury and eating disorder ward, suicidal, and at another rock bottom. After a week I still was not eating, but insurance wouldn't cover my inpatient treatment any longer so I moved down to the day-program treatment, which is what I had done before. Realizing the precious and miraculous opportunity of life once again, I was able to pull myself back on track and I haven't been in the hospital since. I've slipped a lot along the way but I came to finally realize that I AM WORTH RECOVERY. I do not have eating disorder urges at all anymore and I have been clean of self injury for a few months. I am usually in a healthy, peaceful state of being and have learned to trust my inner self above the opinions of those around me. I am living my dream in a supportive community and I am ever thankful for people who have loved me in my life, especially Mallory. She has been detrimental to my recovery process and to this day she continues to inspire me deeply. Mallory's music also inspires me deeply. Through it, you can feel her story, her emotions, her pain, her joy. The most important thing you can learn in life is to truly love and embrace yourself. That's something everyone can learn from Mallory. I hope her music inspires you like it inspires me!

    A lot is blurry and missing from my memories before the age of 12 because I blocked much of it out.
    I grew up in a dysfunctional, chaotic family and didn't have a voice. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I was molested many times at a very young age, which absolutely contributed to my self hatred which manifested itself into an eating disorder when I was 9. I started off bulimic but in my freshman year of high school I became enveloped in a crushing mass of anorexic tendencies-- starving myself everyday, constant diet pills and laxative abuse, over exercising. I had terrible anxiety. I've had an eating disorder for 11 years and have struggled with self injury for 3 1/2. My eating disorder behaviors and self injury were completely hidden. I was getting sicker and sicker, so there were people who noticed the drastic weight loss and were concerned. But when people showed concern, the more I isolated myself and resolved to hide my addiction better.
    My only friend who knew about my eating disorder (because she had one herself) told a school counselor about me and because of that, I was put in a hospital treatment for a couple months.
    After I got discharged, I went to support groups, had a therapist, worked towards following my meal plan and only exercised in moderation. I gained weight and felt healthier, with a good amount of slips in my new recovery.
    Within 6 months of being discharged, I was back in the hospital, but this time I was in inpatient, the highest form of care possible where they put people when their health and safety are at risk. I was in the self-injury and eating disorder ward, suicidal, and at another rock bottom. After a week I still was not eating, but insurance wouldn't cover my inpatient treatment any longer so I moved down to the day-program treatment, which is what I had done before.
    Realizing the precious and miraculous opportunity of life once again, I was able to pull myself back on track and I haven't been in the hospital since.
    I've slipped a lot along the way but I came to finally realize that I AM WORTH RECOVERY. I do not have eating disorder urges at all anymore and I have been clean of self injury for a few months. I am usually in a healthy, peaceful state of being and have learned to trust my inner self above the opinions of those around me.
    I am living my dream in a supportive community and I am ever thankful for people who have loved me in my life, especially Mallory. She has been detrimental to my recovery process and to this day she continues to inspire me deeply.
    Mallory's music also inspires me deeply. Through it, you can feel her story, her emotions, her pain, her joy.
    The most important thing you can learn in life is to truly love and embrace yourself. That's something everyone can learn from Mallory.
    I hope her music inspires you like it inspires me!

  • joretta

    joretta

    i have been told that i am fat and ugly mostly by my brothers and i have been eating my emotions for about since i was born and i am now 180 pounds and i keep telling myself that i want to be anirexic and i dont but same as mallory i have been to alexian brothers and nothing has really worked so now im in a place called insight and even when im there i still dont talk about my emotions because im too shy and im not the one to really talk about my emotions alot i guess but ever since i have meet mallery my life changed now i feel like i can stand up on a chair and say i am beautiful and i can tell my emotions and im not afraid of ed's voice in my head anymore just because of her so thanks to mallory. and when i say that i have meet mallory i mean that she came to my school remember mallory you where at daneil wright midle school and i was in the second to last class and we took a photo and she gave us braclets and cd's and a special thanks to mallory i love you, you changed my whole life because you, you inspired me to love my body shape and i thank you for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i have been told that i am fat and ugly mostly by my brothers and i have been eating my emotions for about since i was born and i am now 180 pounds and i keep telling myself that i want to be anirexic and i dont but same as mallory i have been to alexian brothers and nothing has really worked so now im in a place called insight and even when im there i still dont talk about my emotions because im too shy and im not the one to really talk about my emotions alot i guess but ever since i have meet mallery my life changed now i feel like i can stand up on a chair and say i am beautiful and i can tell my emotions and im not afraid of ed's voice in my head anymore just because of her so thanks to mallory. and when i say that i have meet mallory i mean that she came to my school remember mallory you where at daneil wright midle school and i was in the second to last class and we took a photo and she gave us braclets and cd's and a special thanks to mallory i love you, you changed my whole life because you, you inspired me to love my body shape and i thank you for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Anonymous

    Anonymous

    Im going anonymous. But I'm 17 years old and i have been recovering for almost 4 years. Life is short and unfortunately it took me till my senior year of high school to figure out what is important in life. I have struggled with depression for almost my whole life. Growing up, i wasn't the skinniest girl, and didn't get it easy in school. I would get bullied and made fun of. But once i started growing up, people started to notice me and my image, not my body so much anymore. It came to the point where my parents decided to get a divorce, It was hard, but harder than ordinary divorcees because my dad and mom hate each other. I was forced to go to therapy and through that, i realized i had other issues with my self image that didn't go away from when i was little. Drugs got in the way and started to mess with my life. It was when i got kicked out of school for a stupid mistake i did, i realized that life is kicking me in the ass and it sucks. I am still living proof today and know that there are bumps in the road, but you need to stay strong, because at the end of the day, you are the only one that can bring yourself peace. Mallory has inspired me to get help with my drug problem and has helped me through some of my darkest times. As well as me being right by her side when she needs me too. Life is beautiful and you shouldn't make it to hard for yourself. Everyone and anyone who reads this, no matter what struggle your facing, keep on because this is the support and love well all need and depend on. xoxo

    Im going anonymous. But I'm 17 years old and i have been recovering for almost 4 years. Life is short and unfortunately it took me till my senior year of high school to figure out what is important in life. I have struggled with depression for almost my whole life. Growing up, i wasn't the skinniest girl, and didn't get it easy in school. I would get bullied and made fun of. But once i started growing up, people started to notice me and my image, not my body so much anymore. It came to the point where my parents decided to get a divorce, It was hard, but harder than ordinary divorcees because my dad and mom hate each other. I was forced to go to therapy and through that, i realized i had other issues with my self image that didn't go away from when i was little. Drugs got in the way and started to mess with my life. It was when i got kicked out of school for a stupid mistake i did, i realized that life is kicking me in the ass and it sucks. I am still living proof today and know that there are bumps in the road, but you need to stay strong, because at the end of the day, you are the only one that can bring yourself peace. Mallory has inspired me to get help with my drug problem and has helped me through some of my darkest times. As well as me being right by her side when she needs me too. Life is beautiful and you shouldn't make it to hard for yourself. Everyone and anyone who reads this, no matter what struggle your facing, keep on because this is the support and love well all need and depend on.
    xoxo

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